Maybe...

Maybe it IS time to pack a bag.  Maybe letting it all go in how I find my answers.  "As long as he has pen, paper, and life...there will always be something to read."  I've gotten away from the me that statement was made about.  I want him back.

The start...

I have started to write such as this uncountable times over the past 10 years.  The reasons I believe I will be able to finish over the next days, weeks, are my own.  After "all this time" the pain of the events covered in a few minutes of furious scribbling is as much as I can endure, for now.  Comments will be disabled, feedback unwelcome.
With that said: Part One.
I recall each and every word.
The passionate rise in your voice.
an overall tone of anger, indignation.
this particular tone indicated one thing.
there would be no compromise.
I knew that, yet still stubbornly held my ground.
Feeling justified in my stance.
Fire flashed in your eyes, your lips quivered
"This is far from over"
The door slammed shut, and I shook my head.
I was late as well.
Going to have to do ninety to open on time.
The keys were turning in the shop door...
An indescribable feeling washed over me...
The horror it brought eclipses any anger,
as I race in to dial your number.
Horror turns to panic when I'm told you haven't arrived.
The main line starts to ring as I hang up.
"Good Morning, This is Kris, How may I assist you?"
The officer's voice continues, but I only heard one phrase.
"There has been an accident..."
The tone said the rest...
My knees buckled,
The phone slipped from my grasp...

I couldn't tell you how long I was on the floor.
crumpled, just as I fell.  Coworkers tried to ask what was wrong...
I couldn't get past "She's.." in my almost incoherent responses
The officer's uniform filled my line of tear staind vision.
I have no idea what he said prior to helping me to my feet,
and pretty much carring me to his car.
The buildings and whatever else I should have seen
Just a blur, I had bairly been in the car before I was out again.
The questions, the facts, none of it made any sense.
It couldn't be real.  I must be dreaming.  I...
was in the morgue,
looking through someone else's eyes.
the screaming, wailing, that wasn't my voice...
(enough for now again.)

This is one of those times nothing makes sense.  You know what?  It's not going to.  The sooner one realizes and accepts that simple fact, the better.  So the day passes me by in h haze of cigarette smoke, time only marked by how long it takes the next pot of coffee to brew.  No, it isn't wasted.  It just is.  Once again I am okay with that.  For now, I'd rather sit here by the window, detached from all the bullshit below.  These too long blank pages are starting to fill.  I am getting reacquainted with old friends...the ragged, dog eared books of poetry. The ones that collected dust while I chased after some form of socially acceptable bullshit.  For the first time in far too long, my mind is quiet.  I don't expect anyone to understand, could give a fuck less if they tried.  Because today was for me.

Maybe...

My fingers carve
the lines deeper
as I drag them across
my skin.

Maybe they'll peel away
my supposed shell
and I, I may finally see
the monster
you say I am.

A summer night.

Stale air whiffs through the window
dead, stagnant heat.
the way I feel inside.
a story of one failure after another
maybe I finally know why...
I have never been good at things I don't believe in...
myself included.

from a few weeks ago.

Lost...Adrift...
In a sea of thought and emotion contained within my heart, mind, and soul.  It's as if a hurricane were to be caught in a snow globe.  Everyone looks right past a snow globe...
There, but yet not.  Sure, a glance is granted...but never truly seen.  So, I will sit here on my perch...allowing the storm to rage around me, in me, and to carry me.  The hope of calmer seas lost long ago, and this loneliness seems my destiny.

I'm coming back...

My sanity requires this outlet again.  With that said all I am going to share tonight is this: Hope is the ultimate act of stupidity and love the ultimate act of masochism.

If I am as easy as being called out to walk away from I never really mattered, did I?
I have no words other than I am a fool. 
May take a leave from here, thank you all who visit regularly...Please give me a bit of time.

So...

I am finding that in searching for answers, I only find more questions.  Deeper, more troubling questions.  Some fueled by the actions of others, some by my own or my own mind.  ~SIGH~

Update of sorts.

I am dealing with a lot...and as much as writing it out can be theraputic, this is one of those times it'll just make it all too real.  I promise I will be back to posting, just need to figure at least some of this shit out.

Age old question...

Am I an idiot for following my heart?

Mixed media: She has bleed her last tears.

She has bleed her last tears
I wanted it to be disturbing. 
This piece is inspired by women I know who have been abused.

Coffee as Comfort?

Interesting Morning reading via Tyler Shaw.

Tyler Shaw  -  12:23 PM  - 

Mobile

 -  Limited

So, finally starting to finish up on my latest research, and found what i was hoping to find.

So, in the bible, in the book of genesis, youll notice several things.

For one, nowhere in the entire bible does it say that adam and eve were the first humans on the earth. Jn later books, there are references to a female named Lillith, but no real explanation. Why is this? No church uses any bible translations prior to the 1960s, and youll likely never see any of the translations before that time either. Lillith was the first female, non-angel, in at least the garden of eden, as adam was the first male, non-angel, as well. There was dominancy issues between lillith and adam, so "god" (ill explain why i have that in quotes later) kicked lillith out of eden. "God" then decided, to avoid any more dominancy conflicts, to make eve out of adam, and they got along the way "god" was initially expecting.

Now, back to the bible translations prior to the 1960s. If you ever get your hands on a copy, and really focus on it, youll notice that theres not a single mention of hell. In fact, it even gives descriptions that if a person is not accepted into heven, he is to pay his dues as a wanderer on earth in soul form. I also mention that to explain the role that lucifer has. He is not the so-called "ruler of hell" or "the underworld..." He is the angel of knowledge in christian beliefs. He is also the one who placed the tree of knowledge in eden to open the minds of adam and eve. Why? Because "god" wanted to shelter them and have them know only what he wanted them to know. To keep them safe, yes, but also to allow them to better grow on their own. Lucifer didnt fully agree with that, and took his own course of action. No, he was not cast out of heven to rule "hell", and no he was not trying to "be 'god'"...

Now, why do i keep putting god in quotes? Because in the early translations, there is a mention of whats known as the Pantheon of the Gods. This includes gods known as Allah, Yahweh, and 2 others. Yahweh is the true name of the christian god, who was actually the god of the west. Allah; the god of the south. Unfortunately i forget the names of the gods for the north and east, but ill put them in the comments soon.

How can someone figure that out? Theres actually some serious hints in the book of genesis, john, and mathiew that nearly give it away... All 3 books mention the line "do not worship any gods before me."

Now, for one, why say that in genesis if thats the apparent beginning of everything? Only 2 mentioned people in the entire book, everything JUST started, and hes still saying not to worship any gods before him?

On top of that, going by the exact same logic, how is it that Kane and Abel, the 2 oldest brothers and first sons of adam and eve, were told to go and find wives, when eve was the only female ever mentioned? Not to mention the fact that, well, they succeeded. Yeah, wrap your head around that one.

If you do enough research, or even just pay enough attention, youll notice this stuff REAL quick. I just got your foot in the door to make it easier...

Posted by Gary Levin on G+

Gary Levin  -  11:43 AM  -  Public

A must read. Awareness.

------------------------------

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace, and stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping, and continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He had just played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing

Random photos from a fishing trip.

Inviting...

beauty in decay

Silhouette

The Challenge.

Random photo.

From a fishing trip in NY.  Subject is one of my friends.

huh?

Morning Daze.
 "Waking up" seems all that much harder with very little sleep.

JFC

As if the actual event(s) weren't bad enough, the subconscious adds so many twists. Horrors on repeat, more vivid than the day they occurred. Awake gasping for breathe while somehow sobbing, sheets sweat soaked, goosebumps combined with chills...
And people wonder why I don't sleep much.

A musical walk down memory lane...

Putting together a playlist for a musical memories night...Spanning all genres and the last 20 years...
This one HAD to be on the list...Partially because of where I was in my life when this hit, partially because it's so damn true.

this "cover" is giving me goosebumps tonight.

Part two of my feelings expressed through music.

Part one of my feelings via Disturbed

Gold and silver

Sometimes the gold or silver we have inside grows tarnished. It is tarnished by hurt, pain, life. It takes so much work to revive the luster...and sometime everyday life takes away the energy to work with that cloth and polish (if you will). That doesn't mean it's gone, just that one has to look harder to see it. In the grand scheme of time, momentary exhaustion and stumbling is no reason to stop believing it's there. Easier said than done, yes, but something to strive for.

it's just...

It's just gone, maybe it'll be back. Today the desire for it all is simply gone.

There are days...

When getting out of bed in the first place was a mistake.

Outlet?

Maybe buying a dslr. Thinking it could be a useful outlet, and an excuse to figure out photoshop...

"If you're loosing your soul and you know it, it means you still have a soul left to loose." ~Bukowski.

Insomnia

AHHHH....

Stressed as hell, buried in school work, looks like another 65+ hour week at work is in store, surgeon end of the week, another specialist next Tuesday, I could keep going...
Decompress a bit and hope the pain killer kicks in so I can focus on the three modules I must complete tonight...
A state of trance on the stereo (Best of 2011, one of my faves.), Monster Rehab by my side (Doctor be damned.), try to relax a bit before hitting the books.

"Scars"

It's a music escape night. Following are three band's songs. Each a different take, but meaningful to me.

"Poem" by Taproot (Studio version)

overbearing panic attack entrenching my veins
in an hour i'll be ok
i pray this pain will go away permanently someday
I'VE seen more than...
I should have to...
I'VE seen this on my own

this song is a,
poem to myself,
it helps me to live...
in case of fire,
BREAK the glass,
and move on into your own...

reoccurring drowning effect entrenching my brain,
i hope you'll be ok someday,
so i can say that you moved on in the right way...
WE'VE seen this and
WE'VE breathed this and
WE'VE lived this on our own...

this song is a,
poem to myself,
it helps me to live...
in case of fire,
BREAK the glass,
and move on into your own...
your own...

BREAK...

this song is a,
poem to myself,
it helps me to live...
in case of fire,
BREAK the glass,
and move on into your own...

New art for living room wall

Excerpt from "crazy" by Nonpoint.

"Cared, for nothing
Tried, to hurt me
Did your worst
In the end it's left me strong
Gave attention
Learned the lessons
Respect, I walk the line
So where did I go wrong?
Penney for your thoughts
A Pound of flesh I gave
One more bad decision
One less war to wage
Strangling the hope"

Reflection

A song was playing on the radio at the diner as I was eating breakfast. "You live, you learn." What am I learning? I watch myself make very similar mistakes over and over because of being too sympathetic. So wondering this morning if having too big a heart and wearing it on my sleeve is a fault? Hum, food for thought. Not exactly what I was expecting when I sat down for a spinach and feta omelette.

And the word of the day is...

Distraction!
Doing pretty much whatever I can to stay busy. Trying to get things shifted around to the room(s) that will be their home, putting things where they go for now in the kitchen, Okay...pain dictates I must lay down. So a short entry here, then off to Amazon to look for a few of the things I know I will need. The whole point is to not allow myself to think.

Just going through the motions. Even that is an accomplishment today...

Side note...

I have been meaning to post this link for some time now, and am finally getting it done. The trouble with Spikol is a mental health related blog by Liz Spikol. I had the pleasure of meeting her a few years ago at a mental health art exhibit. Worth at least checking out if not following

http://blogs.philadelphiaweekly.com/trouble

I am going to ask for permission to put a permanent link at the bottom of this blog.

It's going to be a long night.

I don't know how to even start to express why. I have to sit down with a pen and paper. Maybe if I jot down each different subject and sub categorize related thoughts I can make a working outline to begin to approach...understand...or...
Imagine a rushing flood, in the water you see branches, bits of this, parts of that, random debris. The rushing water represents the over all thought process, uncontainable chaos. The branches and other mentioned items represent thoughts and/or subjects that are important or meaningful in their own respect. They tried to stand against the rush of everything else to be given the time and attention they deserve or require, only to be carried away. They surface from the currant only long enough to remind me, then disappear. I can not hold onto one long enough to make sense of it before I am lost in the shear volume of everything again. That is the best analogy I can come up with to convey the mess inside my head.
Somehow I need to start sorting through the chaos. So.. what starts as random scribblings of this and that (the branches and debris, if you will) hopefully becomes an outline. The point of the outline is to force me to focus on one thing long enough to at least process it somewhat.
Wish me luck.

Gah...

Still ill. It would seem I must avoid coffee, and that makes mornings suck oh, so much more! Waiting on the limo to warm up enough my hands don't loose the little feeling left while working on it. (Too long to fit into the garage.) It seems that the violent bouts of illness start in the late morning, so trying for an earlier start. Hope this works...I need this job right now.

In a daze...

Yesterday morning after I started moving around, I got very dizzy and lightheaded. It was after attempting to eat that all hell broke loose. I ended up spending the morning "praying to the porcelain god". Then proceeded to fall into a deep sleep, deep enough that I returned a coworker's texts and awoke thinking it had been a dream. I went back into the shop to cover the front for a few hours, upon returning home, promptly went back to sleep. Evidently I must become ill in order to sleep, but at this point in time, I'll take it any way I can get it. I suppose it would be wise to email instructors today as to why I didn't submit my course work last night. I think I will be attempting to take it easy...well, at least move at a slower pace today.

This morning.

A hard back wooden chair, thread bare carpet, worn walls who's neglect is evident in part by the peeling paint, cigarette smoke rising from an ashtray on the floor, it's scent mingling with the cup of strong coffee loosely grasped in trembling hands, The view out of the window that of a semi busy street, people and cars rushing by in pursuit of a dying dream, that sight,changing while yet the same, blurred by tears, eyes loosing and regaining focus, not that what the eyes see is really being processed, the mind adrift in sadness, blown about by fears, the body slumped under the weight of despair...

Liking this cover tonight....

One of those days when everything was just too much...
Wasn't long after walking in the door that the public face dissolved into tears. It's all been building, the stress of so many different items all at once, the emotional and physical pain, the fear and uncertainty, the loneliness and isolation...it's become a burden I find myself coming apart under. Giving into the tears is long over due, but it's only compounding the loneliness, inducing sobs that are wracking my body.

Ugh...Morning already.

All those reasons I should leave this bed seem so empty this morning. It should not be assumed I slept much, nor that it was restful, but it still seems more appealing than dealing with another day. 16 minutes until I am supposed to open the shop...
Sigh, I know I must, just a few more minutes...

Another little piece of me dies each day.
Slowly eroding the foundations
of the belief in hope and love.
That which once burned so bright,
bringing joy with it's very light...
is now that which causes such pain.
Drank from the spring that only feeds a stream of despair.
I allowed my self to get caught up once again.
So now adrift in the ocean,
darkness every which way I turn...
This is just how it's meant to be.

"Sometimes I think I made you up just to hurt myself."

...Trying...

It's not exactly writer's block...

These past weeks so much has been happening emotionally, physically, and externally that I have grabbed a pen and one of my numerous journals too many times to count. The first few lines are quickly scribbled out, only to have my focus shift to another train of thought, topic, or event. I can not even quiet my mind long enough to produce a coherent string of lines. That has been my main expression even before adulthood. I find this state horrifying...
The easy answer is to take a break, destress. Yeah, That would be wonderful...
However, with the very strong possibility of surgery in the near future, things slowing down at work (when your pay is partially commision based that is bad.)...I think you see where this is going.
The catch 22 of responsibility vs. health. What sacrifices are to be made to attempt to keep both your health and meet your other responsibilities? That or watch the life I've worked so hard to build come crashing down around me.

Insprational video of atleast the week!

Design under construction.

I'm going to be continuing to play with the layout and design of the page.  For now, it's work hours. Sigh

Another amazingly expressive photo from Ford Photography. Find this and many more at http://ford-photography.deviantart.com/gallery

Reap what you sowed

Give it up already! (click for article)

Another attempt by Lamar Smith to infringe on online freedoms.

Damn Electronics!

My amplifier for the stereo started malfunctioning last night, come home tonight to find the pc I've been using as a htpc decided to have issues while I was at work.  Sigh, I intended to do a fairly involved post here...Now it looks like I will be digging through boxes seeing if I have the required parts to rebuild the xion pc.  Fun.

The anger

It's what's behind the desire to say "Fuck it".  The little voice saying "It always turns out the same, you give until there is nothing left only to watch them leave."  I want to believe it's different this time, but past experience and the similarities in the way I'm being treated are making it soo hard.

Those two meaningless words I hear again and again
Will you ever realize "I'm sorry" doesn't mean a fucking thing 
When you hear it over and over again for the exact same action(s)
Might as well just stop saying them and speak the truth
That I'm the idiot for allowing this to continue...

I just don't know anymore.

"Familiar taste of poison." ~ Halestorm

Why do I keep fighting to matter to you?
Am I really that insignificant?

"Wish I was to dead to care...."

Phantom...

Night-time sharpens,
heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defences ...

Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendour
Grasp it, sense it - tremulous and tender
Turn your face away
from the garish light of day,
turn your thoughts away
from cold, unfeeling light -
and listen to the music of the night ...

Close your eyes and surrender to your
darkest dreams!
Purge your thoughts of the life
you knew before!
Close your eyes,
let your spirit start to soar!
And you'll live
as you've never lived before ...

North Carolina Pagan Receives Death Threat After Challenging Bible Distribution

North Carolina Pagan Receives Death Threat After Challenging Bible Distribution

I wish I were dreaming...

...Then I could awake to find the past month was just another nightmare.

Music of the night.

~sigh~ Another ruined.

Underworld: Awakening...as we all expected they left it very open for yet another. The quality of story line left something to be desired, it felt like what should have been 15 minutes of a film stretched into a full length movie. Unfortunately, this series has fallen victim to the quest for the almighty dollar.

Congress withdraws SOPA, PIPA anti-piracy measures

Congress withdraws SOPA, PIPA anti-piracy measures

One of those things.

It's one of the things about moving...You always find things that you had either forgotten you had, or never knew you did in the first place. I opened a box of paperwork and files last night that evidently hadn't been touched in many years.

I wish I hadn't.

So, if I don't answer my phone or don't respond to emails/messages,just give me some time.

"Deep Inside" Korn

Bloody hell.

As if things weren't complicated enough...
My leg gave out last night (or early this morning if you want to be technical.). I fell and hit my head on the edge of the tub hard enough to knock myself out. I came to about 45 minutes later then spent most of the night quite dizzy, vision blurry, and with one hell of a massive headache...FML.

Wiki link on SOPA and PIPA

Black out in protest of SOPA and the Protect IP Act info.

What are SOPA and PIPA?

SOPA and PIPA represent two bills in the United States House of Representatives and the United States Senate respectively. SOPA is short for the "Stop Online Piracy Act," and PIPA is an acronym for the "Protect IP Act." ("IP" stands for "intellectual property.") In short, these bills are efforts to stop copyright infringement committed by foreign web sites, but, in our opinion, they do so in a way that actually infringes free expression while harming the Internet. Detailed information about these bills can be found in the Stop Online Piracy Act and PROTECT IP Act articles on Wikipedia, which are available during the blackout. GovTrack lets you follow both bills through the legislative process: SOPA on this page, and PIPA on this one. The Electronic Frontier Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to advocating for the public interest in the digital realm, has summarized why these bills are simply unacceptable in a world that values an open, secure, and free Internet. Via wiki

The anger lasted only moments giving way to a soul wrenching disappointment.  The tears stopped hours ago, serving little purpose other than to redden my eyes and leave streaks of salt down my face.  The hurt...that will be with me for a long time.  I have trouble accepting that there is nothing I can do, or could have done differently.  This isn't the first time, nor the second that I have been through this.  I keep hoping...wishing...but it just doesn't change.  As I have every time before this, I questioned myself relentlessly.  Somehow it has to be my fault, right?  I can't find that fault, unless it be that I care.

I don't know what to say, what to do.  I'll be here, as always, but the rest is up to you. 

The boiling point.

I feel like my mind was left in one of those large pasta pots on "simmer"....
I have been on the verge of boiling over for days, even my fucking horoscopes (yes, I needed a diversion that badly.) are warning that tomorrow may be the day.  Let's see...about another 3 hours left of today (est), yeah...I might make it that long.  Something has to give, or I'm getting a bigger hammer and there will be nothing left.

Really cool photography work...

Famous paintings as photographs.

Quote of the day...

"It's one of those foods where if someone makes it and it's on the plate, I take a bite...and...Oh, y-e-a-h, That's why I don't eat these..."

"Bittersweet"

Quick health update...

Spent the evening in the E.R.  My leg started going numb accompinied by shooting pains earlier today.   For those of you reading this who have no idea whats going on, I have broken L1 and L2 a few times and have DDD.  It seems L2 has further deterioated causing it to shift slightly to the right.  That in turn pinched a nerve.  I have to go in for more tests and scans as I can get them set up, and may be looking at a procedjure called verboplasty.  Basically they reinflate the vertabre.  Good night all, I am going to enjoy the fact I am not in pain until those 4 units of delodid wear off!

Okay...I didn't believe this, but...

Yong Hao Chinese Buffet

• Own this Business?
• Suggest Correction

2 reviews

(570) 455-8200

7 Valmont Plz
Hazleton, PA 18201
Yes, They picked up the phone and said "Young ho buffet"....

Go Mr. Buffett!

Via Yahoo! News.

WASHINGTON/BOSTON (Reuters) - Warren Buffett is willing to put his money where his mouth is, if only congressional Republicans would join him.
The American billionaire investor, in the new issue of Time magazine, says he would donate $1 to paying down the national debt for every dollar donated by a Republican in Congress. The only exception is Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell - for whom Buffett said he would go $3-to-$1.
The idea stems from a New York Times opinion piece Buffett wrote last August in which he said the rich ought to pay more taxes. It sparked an instant controversy, with some Washington conservatives calling on the 81-year-old "Oracle of Omaha" to voluntarily pay extra.
McConnell said at the time that if Buffett felt "guilty" about paying too low a tax rate, he should "send in a check." This was quickly followed by introduction of a bill to give taxpayers an option on tax forms to make voluntary donations.
"It restores my faith in human nature to think that there are people who have been around Washington all this time and are not yet so cynical as to think that can't be solved by voluntary contributions," the Buffett told Time for an article hitting newsstands on Friday.
An aide to McConnell suggested that the Berkshire Hathaway CEO should expand his matching offer to President Barack Obama and his Democrats.
"Senator McConnell says that Washington should be smaller, rather than taxes getting bigger. And since some, like President Obama and Mr. Buffett want to pay higher taxes, Congress made it possible for them to call their own bluff and send in a check," said Don Stewart, McConnell's deputy chief of staff.
"So I look forward to Mr. Buffett matching a healthy batch of checks from those who actually want to pay higher taxes, including Congressional Democrats, the President and the Democratic National Committee," he added.
The jabs over voluntary payments come as higher taxes for the wealthy and extension of payroll tax breaks for middle-class Americans are becoming increasingly contentious issues for the 2012 presidential race. Obama is trying to paint Republicans as only favoring the wealthy, while Republicans are trying to brand the president as relying on tax hikes to fund excessive spending.
Buffett said in the Time interview the United States needed a tax system that favored people who were not born investors.
"We need a tax system that takes very good care of people who just really aren't as well adapted to the market system, and to capitalism, but are nevertheless just as good citizens, and are doing things that are of use in society," he said.
Buffett, who has raised money for President Barack Obama recently, also takes swings at Republican presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich in the Time interview, criticizing Gingrich's track record and Romney's ties to the private equity business.
(Reporting By Ben Berkowitz and David Lawder; Editing by Eric Walsh)

Article from theblaze.com

Companies supplying motor fuel will have to pay approximately $6.8 million in fines to the Treasury because they failed to “mix a special type of biofuel into their gasoline and diesel,” writes Matthew L. Wald of the New York Times.
However, the fine isn’t the worst part. The worst part is the fact that the refiners could have tried everything in their power to remain in compliance with standards set by the 2007 Energy Independence and Security Act, and it might not have mattered.
Why? Because there is not enough of this “special type of biofuel” to go around. In fact, with the exception of some scattered workshops and laboratories, “the ingredient, cellulosic biofuel, does not exist,” according to the Times report.
And by 2012, these companies are expected to pay even higher penalties for failing to include cellulosic biofuel in their product. Refiners were required to blend 6.6 million gallons into gasoline and diesel in 2011 and face a quota of 8.65 million gallons this year, according to the Times.
That seems like an awfully difficult task considering cellulosic biofuel doesn’t exist in the amounts required.
“It belies logic,” Charles T. Drevna, the president of the National Petrochemicals and Refiners Association, said of the 2011 quota, according to the Times. And raising the quota for 2012 when there is no production makes even less sense, he said.
The reasoning behind the Energy Independence and Security Act? Rules like the one ordering refiners to blend cellulosic biofuel with their product would help reduce greenhouse gas emission. However, even supporters of “green energy” are starting to admit that, yeah, the penalties are a little unreasonable.

“From a taxpayer/consumer standpoint, it doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense that we would require blenders to pay fines or fees or whatever for stuff that literally isn’t available,” said Dennis V. McGinn, a retired vice admiral who serves on the American Council on Renewable Energy.
Michael J. McAdams, executive director of the Advanced Biofuels Association, said the technology for turning biological material into hydrocarbons wasn’t advanced enough for commercial introduction when the 2007 bill was passed – and that they’ve only made minor advances since.
“There are some that are closer to the beaker and some that are closer to the barrel,” he said.
Wald reports:

The Texas renewable fuels company KiOR, for example, has broken ground on a plant in Columbus, Miss., that plans to start turning Southern yellow pine chips into gasoline and diesel components in the fourth quarter of 2012 at an annual rate of 11 million gallons, although  Matthew Hargarten, a spokesman, said the quantity to be produced this year might be adjusted.

But this has not deterred McGinn and Cathy Milbourn, an E.P.A. spokeswoman, from defending the energy statute.
“I am absolutely convinced from a national security perspective and an economic perspective that the renewable fuel standard, writ large, is the right thing to do,” said McGinn.
Milbourn maintains that the 8.65-million-gallon quota for “cellulosic ethanol” for 2012 was “reasonably attainable.” By setting a quota, she added, “we avoid a situation where real cellulosic biofuel production exceeds the mandated volume,” which would weaken demand, writes Wald.
So, let’s see if we got this straight: Congress passed a bill in 2007 requiring refiners to blend cellulosic biofuel with their gasoline and diesel. However, when the 2007 bill was passed, the companies making the biofuel were nowhere near able to produce it in the amounts required by the bill. And refiners are going to be fined approximately $6.8 million for failing to use a biofuel that “does not exist.”
Does any of this seem reasonable?
But wait! There’s something else. Wald reports:

One possible early source is the energy company Poet, a large producer of ethanol from corn kernels. The company is doing early work now on a site in Emmetsburg, Iowa, that is supposed to produce up to 25 million gallons a year of fuel alcohol beginning in 2013 from corn cobs.
And Mascoma, a company partly owned by General Motors, announced last month that it would get up to $80 million from the Energy Department to help build a plant in Kinross, Mich., that is supposed to make fuel alcohol from wood waste. Valero Energy, the oil company, and the State of Michigan are also providing funds.
Yet other cellulosic fuel efforts have faltered. A year ago, after it was offered more than $150 million in government grants, Range Fuels closed a commercial factory in Soperton, Ga., where pine chips were to be turned into fuel alcohols, because it ran into technological problems.

So, Congress passed a bill ordering refiners to add a certain type of biofuel to their product, and the only entities (discounting the defunct Range Fuels) that are anywhere near being able to produce it in the amounts needed are the privately owned Poet and a company owned in part by General Motors (Mascoma)?
Interesting.

I find myself starting the day under the weight of a great sadness.  There is an ever growing list of things that I should have done or be doing for me, how ever the motivation is lacking.
Ironically I was just reminiscing with a friend on the times when I would remove myself from contact by unplugging the phone and/or removing the battery from my cell...My cell seems to be having issues this morning....
Maybe I should take this as a sign that I need to cross some of those items off that list.

To add to the random nature of this post, I am strongly considering getting away from the social network sites.  The reasons, for now, are going to remain unwritten...Suffice to say that is yet another growing list.  That means more posts here, as it should be.

Off to start on something, hoping I can shake this feeling...

Over the past few days I have found myself caught in that whole new year and what needs to change thought pattern.  Looking over the previous year, hindsight shows many of the stumbling blocks, weaknesses, and errors of way.  I am very weary of the feeling of nothing being enough that permeated last year.  I would like to be able to say that I have a plan to enact, but as always when it comes to self reflection, life has become chaotic.