So...

I am finding that in searching for answers, I only find more questions.  Deeper, more troubling questions.  Some fueled by the actions of others, some by my own or my own mind.  ~SIGH~

Update of sorts.

I am dealing with a lot...and as much as writing it out can be theraputic, this is one of those times it'll just make it all too real.  I promise I will be back to posting, just need to figure at least some of this shit out.

Age old question...

Am I an idiot for following my heart?

Mixed media: She has bleed her last tears.

She has bleed her last tears
I wanted it to be disturbing. 
This piece is inspired by women I know who have been abused.

Coffee as Comfort?

Interesting Morning reading via Tyler Shaw.

Tyler Shaw  -  12:23 PM  - 

Mobile

 -  Limited

So, finally starting to finish up on my latest research, and found what i was hoping to find.

So, in the bible, in the book of genesis, youll notice several things.

For one, nowhere in the entire bible does it say that adam and eve were the first humans on the earth. Jn later books, there are references to a female named Lillith, but no real explanation. Why is this? No church uses any bible translations prior to the 1960s, and youll likely never see any of the translations before that time either. Lillith was the first female, non-angel, in at least the garden of eden, as adam was the first male, non-angel, as well. There was dominancy issues between lillith and adam, so "god" (ill explain why i have that in quotes later) kicked lillith out of eden. "God" then decided, to avoid any more dominancy conflicts, to make eve out of adam, and they got along the way "god" was initially expecting.

Now, back to the bible translations prior to the 1960s. If you ever get your hands on a copy, and really focus on it, youll notice that theres not a single mention of hell. In fact, it even gives descriptions that if a person is not accepted into heven, he is to pay his dues as a wanderer on earth in soul form. I also mention that to explain the role that lucifer has. He is not the so-called "ruler of hell" or "the underworld..." He is the angel of knowledge in christian beliefs. He is also the one who placed the tree of knowledge in eden to open the minds of adam and eve. Why? Because "god" wanted to shelter them and have them know only what he wanted them to know. To keep them safe, yes, but also to allow them to better grow on their own. Lucifer didnt fully agree with that, and took his own course of action. No, he was not cast out of heven to rule "hell", and no he was not trying to "be 'god'"...

Now, why do i keep putting god in quotes? Because in the early translations, there is a mention of whats known as the Pantheon of the Gods. This includes gods known as Allah, Yahweh, and 2 others. Yahweh is the true name of the christian god, who was actually the god of the west. Allah; the god of the south. Unfortunately i forget the names of the gods for the north and east, but ill put them in the comments soon.

How can someone figure that out? Theres actually some serious hints in the book of genesis, john, and mathiew that nearly give it away... All 3 books mention the line "do not worship any gods before me."

Now, for one, why say that in genesis if thats the apparent beginning of everything? Only 2 mentioned people in the entire book, everything JUST started, and hes still saying not to worship any gods before him?

On top of that, going by the exact same logic, how is it that Kane and Abel, the 2 oldest brothers and first sons of adam and eve, were told to go and find wives, when eve was the only female ever mentioned? Not to mention the fact that, well, they succeeded. Yeah, wrap your head around that one.

If you do enough research, or even just pay enough attention, youll notice this stuff REAL quick. I just got your foot in the door to make it easier...

Posted by Gary Levin on G+

Gary Levin  -  11:43 AM  -  Public

A must read. Awareness.

------------------------------

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace, and stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping, and continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He had just played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing

Random photos from a fishing trip.

Inviting...

beauty in decay

Silhouette

The Challenge.

Random photo.

From a fishing trip in NY.  Subject is one of my friends.

huh?

Morning Daze.
 "Waking up" seems all that much harder with very little sleep.

JFC

As if the actual event(s) weren't bad enough, the subconscious adds so many twists. Horrors on repeat, more vivid than the day they occurred. Awake gasping for breathe while somehow sobbing, sheets sweat soaked, goosebumps combined with chills...
And people wonder why I don't sleep much.

A musical walk down memory lane...

Putting together a playlist for a musical memories night...Spanning all genres and the last 20 years...
This one HAD to be on the list...Partially because of where I was in my life when this hit, partially because it's so damn true.

this "cover" is giving me goosebumps tonight.

Part two of my feelings expressed through music.

Part one of my feelings via Disturbed

Gold and silver

Sometimes the gold or silver we have inside grows tarnished. It is tarnished by hurt, pain, life. It takes so much work to revive the luster...and sometime everyday life takes away the energy to work with that cloth and polish (if you will). That doesn't mean it's gone, just that one has to look harder to see it. In the grand scheme of time, momentary exhaustion and stumbling is no reason to stop believing it's there. Easier said than done, yes, but something to strive for.

it's just...

It's just gone, maybe it'll be back. Today the desire for it all is simply gone.

There are days...

When getting out of bed in the first place was a mistake.

Outlet?

Maybe buying a dslr. Thinking it could be a useful outlet, and an excuse to figure out photoshop...

"If you're loosing your soul and you know it, it means you still have a soul left to loose." ~Bukowski.

Insomnia

AHHHH....

Stressed as hell, buried in school work, looks like another 65+ hour week at work is in store, surgeon end of the week, another specialist next Tuesday, I could keep going...
Decompress a bit and hope the pain killer kicks in so I can focus on the three modules I must complete tonight...
A state of trance on the stereo (Best of 2011, one of my faves.), Monster Rehab by my side (Doctor be damned.), try to relax a bit before hitting the books.

"Scars"

It's a music escape night. Following are three band's songs. Each a different take, but meaningful to me.

"Poem" by Taproot (Studio version)

overbearing panic attack entrenching my veins
in an hour i'll be ok
i pray this pain will go away permanently someday
I'VE seen more than...
I should have to...
I'VE seen this on my own

this song is a,
poem to myself,
it helps me to live...
in case of fire,
BREAK the glass,
and move on into your own...

reoccurring drowning effect entrenching my brain,
i hope you'll be ok someday,
so i can say that you moved on in the right way...
WE'VE seen this and
WE'VE breathed this and
WE'VE lived this on our own...

this song is a,
poem to myself,
it helps me to live...
in case of fire,
BREAK the glass,
and move on into your own...
your own...

BREAK...

this song is a,
poem to myself,
it helps me to live...
in case of fire,
BREAK the glass,
and move on into your own...

New art for living room wall

Excerpt from "crazy" by Nonpoint.

"Cared, for nothing
Tried, to hurt me
Did your worst
In the end it's left me strong
Gave attention
Learned the lessons
Respect, I walk the line
So where did I go wrong?
Penney for your thoughts
A Pound of flesh I gave
One more bad decision
One less war to wage
Strangling the hope"

Reflection

A song was playing on the radio at the diner as I was eating breakfast. "You live, you learn." What am I learning? I watch myself make very similar mistakes over and over because of being too sympathetic. So wondering this morning if having too big a heart and wearing it on my sleeve is a fault? Hum, food for thought. Not exactly what I was expecting when I sat down for a spinach and feta omelette.

And the word of the day is...

Distraction!
Doing pretty much whatever I can to stay busy. Trying to get things shifted around to the room(s) that will be their home, putting things where they go for now in the kitchen, Okay...pain dictates I must lay down. So a short entry here, then off to Amazon to look for a few of the things I know I will need. The whole point is to not allow myself to think.

Just going through the motions. Even that is an accomplishment today...

Side note...

I have been meaning to post this link for some time now, and am finally getting it done. The trouble with Spikol is a mental health related blog by Liz Spikol. I had the pleasure of meeting her a few years ago at a mental health art exhibit. Worth at least checking out if not following

http://blogs.philadelphiaweekly.com/trouble

I am going to ask for permission to put a permanent link at the bottom of this blog.

It's going to be a long night.

I don't know how to even start to express why. I have to sit down with a pen and paper. Maybe if I jot down each different subject and sub categorize related thoughts I can make a working outline to begin to approach...understand...or...
Imagine a rushing flood, in the water you see branches, bits of this, parts of that, random debris. The rushing water represents the over all thought process, uncontainable chaos. The branches and other mentioned items represent thoughts and/or subjects that are important or meaningful in their own respect. They tried to stand against the rush of everything else to be given the time and attention they deserve or require, only to be carried away. They surface from the currant only long enough to remind me, then disappear. I can not hold onto one long enough to make sense of it before I am lost in the shear volume of everything again. That is the best analogy I can come up with to convey the mess inside my head.
Somehow I need to start sorting through the chaos. So.. what starts as random scribblings of this and that (the branches and debris, if you will) hopefully becomes an outline. The point of the outline is to force me to focus on one thing long enough to at least process it somewhat.
Wish me luck.

Gah...

Still ill. It would seem I must avoid coffee, and that makes mornings suck oh, so much more! Waiting on the limo to warm up enough my hands don't loose the little feeling left while working on it. (Too long to fit into the garage.) It seems that the violent bouts of illness start in the late morning, so trying for an earlier start. Hope this works...I need this job right now.

In a daze...

Yesterday morning after I started moving around, I got very dizzy and lightheaded. It was after attempting to eat that all hell broke loose. I ended up spending the morning "praying to the porcelain god". Then proceeded to fall into a deep sleep, deep enough that I returned a coworker's texts and awoke thinking it had been a dream. I went back into the shop to cover the front for a few hours, upon returning home, promptly went back to sleep. Evidently I must become ill in order to sleep, but at this point in time, I'll take it any way I can get it. I suppose it would be wise to email instructors today as to why I didn't submit my course work last night. I think I will be attempting to take it easy...well, at least move at a slower pace today.

This morning.

A hard back wooden chair, thread bare carpet, worn walls who's neglect is evident in part by the peeling paint, cigarette smoke rising from an ashtray on the floor, it's scent mingling with the cup of strong coffee loosely grasped in trembling hands, The view out of the window that of a semi busy street, people and cars rushing by in pursuit of a dying dream, that sight,changing while yet the same, blurred by tears, eyes loosing and regaining focus, not that what the eyes see is really being processed, the mind adrift in sadness, blown about by fears, the body slumped under the weight of despair...

Liking this cover tonight....

One of those days when everything was just too much...
Wasn't long after walking in the door that the public face dissolved into tears. It's all been building, the stress of so many different items all at once, the emotional and physical pain, the fear and uncertainty, the loneliness and isolation...it's become a burden I find myself coming apart under. Giving into the tears is long over due, but it's only compounding the loneliness, inducing sobs that are wracking my body.

Ugh...Morning already.

All those reasons I should leave this bed seem so empty this morning. It should not be assumed I slept much, nor that it was restful, but it still seems more appealing than dealing with another day. 16 minutes until I am supposed to open the shop...
Sigh, I know I must, just a few more minutes...

Another little piece of me dies each day.
Slowly eroding the foundations
of the belief in hope and love.
That which once burned so bright,
bringing joy with it's very light...
is now that which causes such pain.
Drank from the spring that only feeds a stream of despair.
I allowed my self to get caught up once again.
So now adrift in the ocean,
darkness every which way I turn...
This is just how it's meant to be.

"Sometimes I think I made you up just to hurt myself."

...Trying...

It's not exactly writer's block...

These past weeks so much has been happening emotionally, physically, and externally that I have grabbed a pen and one of my numerous journals too many times to count. The first few lines are quickly scribbled out, only to have my focus shift to another train of thought, topic, or event. I can not even quiet my mind long enough to produce a coherent string of lines. That has been my main expression even before adulthood. I find this state horrifying...
The easy answer is to take a break, destress. Yeah, That would be wonderful...
However, with the very strong possibility of surgery in the near future, things slowing down at work (when your pay is partially commision based that is bad.)...I think you see where this is going.
The catch 22 of responsibility vs. health. What sacrifices are to be made to attempt to keep both your health and meet your other responsibilities? That or watch the life I've worked so hard to build come crashing down around me.

Insprational video of atleast the week!

Design under construction.

I'm going to be continuing to play with the layout and design of the page.  For now, it's work hours. Sigh

Another amazingly expressive photo from Ford Photography. Find this and many more at http://ford-photography.deviantart.com/gallery

Reap what you sowed

Give it up already! (click for article)

Another attempt by Lamar Smith to infringe on online freedoms.

Damn Electronics!

My amplifier for the stereo started malfunctioning last night, come home tonight to find the pc I've been using as a htpc decided to have issues while I was at work.  Sigh, I intended to do a fairly involved post here...Now it looks like I will be digging through boxes seeing if I have the required parts to rebuild the xion pc.  Fun.