Reflection

I could never be good enough.  It still haunts me to this day...
I wanted to show you, to somehow gain your approval.  Needless to say, it never happened.  Instilling something like that so young scared me.  Yes, I worked harder, but each new success was another dissapointment.  They never measured up.  To this day I see other adults and children alike interacting with their fathers, and part of me aches.  I've spent years struggling with even so much as the idea of having that type of influance on another life.  Over the past months that desire has grown stronger.  I want to thank you, for setting an example of damn near everything NOT to be.  Maybe a twisted way of looking at things.  I know the numerous mistakes you made, how they effected me.  I can think of no greater reason to not make the same mistakes.

I just...

The loneliness is hitting so fucking hard tonight.  The overwhelming desire to be needed...wanted has given way to tears.  I see the couples, families and know that I want that so badly.  Seems something I'll never have, just feel so hollow and alone tonight.

Days gone by

It's the little things
A good cup of coffee
and an intelectuial conversation
with other dreamers
The poetry readings
where it flowed
from the writer's heart
written without ambition
it just was
Exiting the club at sunrise
and still going to work......

Insomnia's eternity

I look over at the clock
is it possible that it's only been 5 minutes
since I last looked
it feels like an eternity
I roll over,
reposition the pillows,
close my eyes,
and hope.....
at least this eternity
was 7 minutes long

Going "home" (old)

saw her off at the elavator
a long kiss goodbye
the thought of wiping a tear from her eye
she turned and quickly walked away
maybe so i wouldn't see her cry
placed a call from penn station
only to get the machine
a recorded voice, even though hers, is so much less human
so now i'm leaving
bound for the place i'm calling home
delayed again, standing still
then the buildings rush by
moving again
all this ramble is really to hide
that this heart grows heavier with every mile
sometimes going "home" isnt such
a happy thing

Humanity

Light another cigarette
and dread the dawn
it brings a new light
to a world I'd rather
see cloaked in the darkness
of night vs. it's populas
the cold of winter
here in the north
can't hold a candle
to that of most
of the people here now
holed up somewhere
I mistakenly thought
I might escape the world
I ventured back into
the artic blast
to pass out a few blankets
and ended up frozen
by the cold of my fellow beings

Panic Attack

My mind filled with dread
as if claws in my head
my chest tightens
and it's hard to breathe
on my knees
though i don't pray
hell of a way
to start the day