I pretended that your words didn't cut through me as a razor blade once did my wrist.
I hid my face so you wouldn't see the horror in my eyes.
I waited to reply until you wouldn't hear my voice quiver.
I made my way to the door quickly....
Still unable to believe what had been said.
To even insinuate that I would....
Could...
I never knew six words could cause such emotional devastation.
Three days later I still hear them as clearly as in that moment.
More horrific with each and every replay.

Tonight

I've been sitting here staring at the screen, parts of thoughts typed then deleted due to their refusal to complete.  I suppose this is one of those times when the troubles in one's head and the sorrows of one's heart are simply not meant to be put into words...at least not yet.

Reflection

I could never be good enough.  It still haunts me to this day...
I wanted to show you, to somehow gain your approval.  Needless to say, it never happened.  Instilling something like that so young scared me.  Yes, I worked harder, but each new success was another dissapointment.  They never measured up.  To this day I see other adults and children alike interacting with their fathers, and part of me aches.  I've spent years struggling with even so much as the idea of having that type of influance on another life.  Over the past months that desire has grown stronger.  I want to thank you, for setting an example of damn near everything NOT to be.  Maybe a twisted way of looking at things.  I know the numerous mistakes you made, how they effected me.  I can think of no greater reason to not make the same mistakes.

I just...

The loneliness is hitting so fucking hard tonight.  The overwhelming desire to be needed...wanted has given way to tears.  I see the couples, families and know that I want that so badly.  Seems something I'll never have, just feel so hollow and alone tonight.

Days gone by

It's the little things
A good cup of coffee
and an intelectuial conversation
with other dreamers
The poetry readings
where it flowed
from the writer's heart
written without ambition
it just was
Exiting the club at sunrise
and still going to work......

Insomnia's eternity

I look over at the clock
is it possible that it's only been 5 minutes
since I last looked
it feels like an eternity
I roll over,
reposition the pillows,
close my eyes,
and hope.....
at least this eternity
was 7 minutes long

Going "home" (old)

saw her off at the elavator
a long kiss goodbye
the thought of wiping a tear from her eye
she turned and quickly walked away
maybe so i wouldn't see her cry
placed a call from penn station
only to get the machine
a recorded voice, even though hers, is so much less human
so now i'm leaving
bound for the place i'm calling home
delayed again, standing still
then the buildings rush by
moving again
all this ramble is really to hide
that this heart grows heavier with every mile
sometimes going "home" isnt such
a happy thing

Humanity

Light another cigarette
and dread the dawn
it brings a new light
to a world I'd rather
see cloaked in the darkness
of night vs. it's populas
the cold of winter
here in the north
can't hold a candle
to that of most
of the people here now
holed up somewhere
I mistakenly thought
I might escape the world
I ventured back into
the artic blast
to pass out a few blankets
and ended up frozen
by the cold of my fellow beings

Panic Attack

My mind filled with dread
as if claws in my head
my chest tightens
and it's hard to breathe
on my knees
though i don't pray
hell of a way
to start the day

One word

it's the same old routene
now
every time
I
pick up the phone
feels like life
on repeat
you have
nothing
new to say
and I
I
have one word

goodbye

A willing price.

sometimes the price for creativity
is a little insanity
don't get me wrong...
it's a great ride
actually enjoying
a long (sleepless) night
of your own and others artistic expression
is well worth the mood changes
and the general madness
I say the mad may be
the truly sane
everyone else is just
a step
behind

Mood days...

There are days when the light of hope grows dim.  When everything looks like a bad photocopy.  When your moods cycle out of control.  When you haven't really slept in days.  When your tense, angry, and depressed all at the same time.  When your mind can't bring into focus the simplest of things.  When the pain grates your nerves to the point of muffled screams.  When you drive those closest away.  Just leave me in my misery for a moment in time...

Run.

this place isn't working
this face is cracking
my mind is melting
nothing left here
there seems to be another wall
no matter whitch way i turn
mindless people and mindless games
sick of all the drama
just want to be alone
this place is not working
this face is cracking
my mind is melting
nothing left here
so many nights the thoughts of walking away
fill my mind continously
nothing else seems to hold the alure
the incasiable pull of the open road
this place isn't working
this face is cracking
my mind is melting
nothing left here
just want to run away
as fast as i can go
where doesn't seem to matter
how the big question
why?  must i say again
this place is not working
this face is cracking
my mind is melting
nothing left here
NOTHING LEFT HERE FOR ME!

Damnit! A regret.

I try to live a life of no regrets....for some reason my glance came across this warning on a bottle of "Canada Dry" ginger ale (use for settling an upset stomach) "WARNING!  Contents under pressure cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury.  point away from face and people, especially while opening."

Damnit! now I regret NOT shaking it!

mwhahaha....who to point the shaken bottle at?

Life

Life has gotten busy this last month...So not much done here.  I intend to rectify that starting now.  I am going to attempt to post at least an observation every other day.

Nights

Sit down and just weep
in an empty room
where the walls close in
the confines of my mind
memories play on the far wall
a slideshow of it all
the horrors, the betrayals,
the goodtimes, the pain, the shame
blurs until it's all much the same
bits and pieces of the past
all a foundation that this broken man
has upon which to sculpt a future.

I have found that...

...Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with.  ~Terri Guillemets

Observing a broken man.

Sittin in the back of the bar
brooding over his drink
wondering where she's been
if she's better off without him
as he walks outside
snow lands against his chin,
home to a cold empty house
filled with memories
and hopes of what could have been.

Gazing

Gazing off into the nothing
dark clouds drift by
the occasional rain drop
Illuminated by the street lamp
splatters onto the sidewalk
temporararly distracting me
from the great emptiness
welling up inside
I am well aware I am drowning
in the sea of me
ask me if I care
right now the response would be no.
besides, sometimes you must
sink
in order to learn to swim.

Amazing what you learn.

The hospital is a great place
to remind you of just how insignificant you are
trying to communicate with those people
Is like carrying on a conversation with a brick wall.
I told the nurse what was going on,
Just so she could rephrase her questions
and make me repeat the same god damn responses
I told her I couldn't trust myself,
That there was no way in hell I could gaurente my safty
But no, I didn't have a plan,
So...out the door with me
appointment card in hand for 49 hours from now...
Guess in her mind it takes more than 2 days to die...
Amazing what you learn in an e.r.

Mother

I am who I am today
do in part to your hinderences
The horrors my memory holds
Haunt me late at night...
Must I remind you
that I did not choose to be here
But I'm fighting to make what I can
of your great mistake
So judge, condem, and criticise
by all means feel free
say and do as you wish
just know it'll mean nothing to me.
You lost that privlidge long ago.

Anything

My soul cries from deep within
in a tounge I cannot decipher
has it all grown to be to much?
yet another life changing low...
another choice of weather or not to care,
so little left that wants anything
~but~ wants everything-?-
age old thought
of loosing it all...
to find something
I'm at the anything point...

Firey disposition.

As a night of another
Steamy hot New York day
draws me into thought..
I wonder what plagues me
not a momentary lapse in judgement
but something else.
what draws us into fighting
Two of firey and pasionate disposition
drawn like a moth to a flame
to each other.
clashing in amimated exchange
often ending in two hurt
and none the victor

Moments

A chill in the air

and the sense of pain

no worries, it's just another day

the things that feed this pen

moving far beyond the every day

making it harder and harder to rise

minutes spent at another's grave

still wishing it would have been me

many moments spent talking to a stone

better than the moments talking to thin air

could this be the madness engulfing me

could it just be me tring to find me

the struggle to keep it all together

eight to twelve hours a day

until it's time to run away

3 am

I think my demons have killed my angels

and they will be lucky to get an obit at all

I've turned to the darker side of observing life

how close is that one I wonder

as inside I bleed

what do you say to a stranger, much less a friend

when your life is leaking

from the inside out

I'm almost drowning here

can't you see

you never can, can you?

Untitled

Emptiness engulfs me

watching the street lights glint off the razor blade

that i keep trying to bring myself to use

another day out in the cold

my mind will not stop playing a dangerous game

there is no one to call at this hour

I can't bring myself to leave this bed

almost scared to walk out the door

I can't seem to make myself move

will it ever all go away

can i make this all go away

how do I leave this place,

start by tryng to find the floor,

a place to put my feet.

The breeze of december.

Awake before dawn again

so I put coffee in the gurgling pot,

light the first cigarette, and wait.

for what, I'm not sure.

cold, the cold weather is here

I wonder will it be a tipical december

in the past going so far down.

december brings christmas

god, I hate that holiday

time with a disapproving fam

that can't understand being sick

never to be "well"

the doctors, pills, and theripsts do their part,

but not enough to be "well"

what the fuck is "well" anyway?

I'll never know.

Some strange place

sinking,

sinking,

sinking,

may death be the maiden I kiss tonight

in some strange bed

may some strange light

find me on morrows dawn

far from here

may they say he is gone

oh, to be beyond the pain

and the slow death of me

I close my eyes and dream of nothingness

I know that in the morning

I will wake once again

to walk on the sharp edges

of all my broken dreams

The downward spiral

Moods litter the spiral staircase

tumbling head over heals

hitting every step on the way down.

There is little hope of the floor

stopping me anytime soon.

The bruises and broken bones

carry the memories of each fall.

Most of the recent scars by my own hand

I block out the scars from before

The ones that lead me to the top step

of this downward tumble.

smoke spirals

The cigarette

sends spirals

up from the ashtray

smoke clouding the shot glass in my hand

from the nearly empty bottle

I wish I could say its helped

is there enough left in the bottle

to achieve numb

is it even worth finding out

wishing I could follow the smoke's example

and just disappear in a haze

blown away on the breeze

from an open window.

Tonight.

My body shutters
from the power of these tears
wounds from many years
all surface tonight...
Seems no matter how hard I fight,
These sobs come as they like.
Tears stream down my face
Pain from all these years
Oh, and all the fears.

Fisrt post.

All the introduction and get to know me small talk bullshit is going to have to wait.  The first post is a new stream of concencie poem kind of explaining the return of my blogging.

Sinking into the darkness again.
Resolve weakening...
Anguish and dispair dominating
There is nothing to be done,
So open another bottle
Of which I will find the bottom tonight.
light another cigarette,
To add to the haze...
And dread the morning.